Negativity. I've noticed lately that when I'm around a lot of negativity, it seems to strongly affect me. I'm a strong believer in not allowing other people to affect your moods. I teach this to my kids from when they are a young age. I tell them that just because 'x' is acting that way, doesn't mean you can. I encourage them not to let other people's moods affect their own moods. When I take a deep looking at myself, I see that I do the same exact thing that my children do. I allow the negativity in & start to think poorly about myself or others around me.
I've been a part of a message board for about 7 years & over those years there has been a lot of negativity towards husbands. It disappoints me to read about Christian women who are so negative and lacking in grace towards their husbands. It got me to thinking today. "My husband never does laundry. My husband rarely does dishes and picks up after himself." Instead of focusing on the positives (He works really hard to provide for our family, he makes himself lunches most mornings & will help w/ things if he is home & I ask. He's a great day, attentive spouse & obviously cares a lot for me & for the children.) But instead of focusing on those things, I started nit picking the negatives. Thankfully, the Lord tugged my heart and pointed out that I was allowing what I was reading to affect how I felt. I don't truly feel as tho he doesn't do anything around here. Sure, sometimes I get overwhelmed and do feel that way, but for the most part I don't. I don't truly feel as tho I'm always picking up after him or cleaning up messes he makes.
It goes along with what Matt & I have been reading in Love & War. One of the things that the authors talked about in the chapter we're reading now, is to not let negativity creep in and destroy your marriage. It's easy to let outside influences in & to start thinking bad thoughts when that's all you hear or read all the time.
So... here's to trying to keep the positive the forerunner in my thoughts & heart.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
The One About Marriage
"Marrwage... marrwage is what bwings us togetha todaayyy.. Marrwage... that bwessed union. "
Ok, so anyone who has not see "Princess Bride" doesn't get that at all, but the rest of us are conjuring up images of a medieval wedding in which the bride is being forced to marry someone she doesn't love and the priest is a goofball...
But in all seriousness, marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. One one side I know someone who is in love for the first time. You remember that fun, giddy, exciting love? And on the other side I know a couple of people going through divorces and separations and that is heart wrenching and sad.
So I've had marriage on my mind A LOT lately. I've chatted with Matt a lot about it, wondering what makes some marriages work and others not. My first notion, as a Christian, was to think Christ was what made a marriage work. But then I look around and see the divorce rate for Christians to be as high as the divorce rate for non-Christians.
I think the scary thing about marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is that you cannot know what the other person is thinking. You cannot get in their minds and know for sure that they will be 100% committed to you forever. In fact, they may not even know it themselves. They may feel that they are, but life happens. Things change, feelings change, people change... and in those changes minds change and people grow apart.
I'm not writing any of this because Matt & I are going through a rough patch. Just the opposite, to be honest. We are crazy in love still, but I'm trying to figure out what makes us work? Why are we crazy in love after 11 years of marriage when so many marriages barely make it to the 7 year mark? The only things I can think of are:
1. Mutual Respect
2. Commitment to this marriage
3. A desire to grow and nurture our marriage
4. Communication
5. Love
#1 and #3 are two I want to chat about a bit.
Mutual respect... I'm part of an online board that is very adamant against Women Only Submission in marriage. I get that... and I agree to a certain extent. I agree that there needs to be mutual submission, but I have a twist on that. Mutual submission is good... and Biblically mandated (and I can show you verses to prove it if you ask), but I believe that in the end the husband is the head. Over the years there have been a few times where Matt & I couldn't make a huge decision by meeting in the middle. In those times I've agreed to trust him in his decision and honestly, it has always worked out for the best. But he never makes a big decision w/out consulting me and taking my opinion into account and typically we come to a conclusion together... thus mutual respect/submission to each other.
#3 ... You don't plant a seed and hope it grows & survives w/out nurturing it. You don't have a baby and hope it grows & survives w/out nurturing it... so how would you expect a marriage to grow and survive w/out nurturing it? Matt & I have set aside one day/month where we have a 'date night' at home. This entails putting the kids to bed early, cooking a meal together & playing games or watching a fun movie. We actually try to do this more than once/ month but we have one specific day set aside so we know we'll definitely do it at least once. We also try to get away alone for a weekend once/year. That's not always easy w/ little ones, but it usually happens. I'd love to see us have a real date once/month too, but haven't been able to make that work yet. It's good to continue to see yourselves as a couple and not just "mom & dad" or lost in your jobs.
Actually ~ I want to address communication too. I think this is the absolute key. I think it makes or breaks any relationship/marriage/friendship. For us this means discussing everything that needs to be put out there before it becomes a big issue. Rather than letting this fester and build up inside, it's best to get it out before it's too late. But, on the flip side, there is a time to hold back as well. I often think about a problem for a day. I decide if it's worth rocking the boat about or is it better to change my attitude about it and move on w/out making it an issue. I've done both... at times I feel it's a big enough issue that we need to talk it out and work on it. Other times I feel I can just 'get over it' and move on. If it comes up again, I reevaluate and decide all over again. And that works for us.
All in all ~ it really takes two. He has to be as open and honest in the relationship and you are and you can't guarantee that. This fact was reallllly eating away at me recently. I went to a women's retreat at my church. It was just a day retreat, but it was good. In a quiet moment of prayer I asked God to help me trust my husband. And I heard God say "You don't have to trust Him, just trust Me." Hmm... I found it comforting and so whenever I start to worry about whether my husband will change his mind about us one day I throw that into a prayer to the Lord and give it to Him. I cannot control my husband's mind. I can't even know what's going on in the deep places of his mind. I cannot know if we'll be together for 50+ years. What I can know is that , at this moment in time, we are in love. At this moment in time we are committed to 50+ years. The one thing that won't ever change is God and I know that no matter what happens, He will be there.
Ok, so anyone who has not see "Princess Bride" doesn't get that at all, but the rest of us are conjuring up images of a medieval wedding in which the bride is being forced to marry someone she doesn't love and the priest is a goofball...
But in all seriousness, marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. One one side I know someone who is in love for the first time. You remember that fun, giddy, exciting love? And on the other side I know a couple of people going through divorces and separations and that is heart wrenching and sad.
So I've had marriage on my mind A LOT lately. I've chatted with Matt a lot about it, wondering what makes some marriages work and others not. My first notion, as a Christian, was to think Christ was what made a marriage work. But then I look around and see the divorce rate for Christians to be as high as the divorce rate for non-Christians.
I think the scary thing about marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is that you cannot know what the other person is thinking. You cannot get in their minds and know for sure that they will be 100% committed to you forever. In fact, they may not even know it themselves. They may feel that they are, but life happens. Things change, feelings change, people change... and in those changes minds change and people grow apart.
I'm not writing any of this because Matt & I are going through a rough patch. Just the opposite, to be honest. We are crazy in love still, but I'm trying to figure out what makes us work? Why are we crazy in love after 11 years of marriage when so many marriages barely make it to the 7 year mark? The only things I can think of are:
1. Mutual Respect
2. Commitment to this marriage
3. A desire to grow and nurture our marriage
4. Communication
5. Love
#1 and #3 are two I want to chat about a bit.
Mutual respect... I'm part of an online board that is very adamant against Women Only Submission in marriage. I get that... and I agree to a certain extent. I agree that there needs to be mutual submission, but I have a twist on that. Mutual submission is good... and Biblically mandated (and I can show you verses to prove it if you ask), but I believe that in the end the husband is the head. Over the years there have been a few times where Matt & I couldn't make a huge decision by meeting in the middle. In those times I've agreed to trust him in his decision and honestly, it has always worked out for the best. But he never makes a big decision w/out consulting me and taking my opinion into account and typically we come to a conclusion together... thus mutual respect/submission to each other.
#3 ... You don't plant a seed and hope it grows & survives w/out nurturing it. You don't have a baby and hope it grows & survives w/out nurturing it... so how would you expect a marriage to grow and survive w/out nurturing it? Matt & I have set aside one day/month where we have a 'date night' at home. This entails putting the kids to bed early, cooking a meal together & playing games or watching a fun movie. We actually try to do this more than once/ month but we have one specific day set aside so we know we'll definitely do it at least once. We also try to get away alone for a weekend once/year. That's not always easy w/ little ones, but it usually happens. I'd love to see us have a real date once/month too, but haven't been able to make that work yet. It's good to continue to see yourselves as a couple and not just "mom & dad" or lost in your jobs.
Actually ~ I want to address communication too. I think this is the absolute key. I think it makes or breaks any relationship/marriage/friendship. For us this means discussing everything that needs to be put out there before it becomes a big issue. Rather than letting this fester and build up inside, it's best to get it out before it's too late. But, on the flip side, there is a time to hold back as well. I often think about a problem for a day. I decide if it's worth rocking the boat about or is it better to change my attitude about it and move on w/out making it an issue. I've done both... at times I feel it's a big enough issue that we need to talk it out and work on it. Other times I feel I can just 'get over it' and move on. If it comes up again, I reevaluate and decide all over again. And that works for us.
All in all ~ it really takes two. He has to be as open and honest in the relationship and you are and you can't guarantee that. This fact was reallllly eating away at me recently. I went to a women's retreat at my church. It was just a day retreat, but it was good. In a quiet moment of prayer I asked God to help me trust my husband. And I heard God say "You don't have to trust Him, just trust Me." Hmm... I found it comforting and so whenever I start to worry about whether my husband will change his mind about us one day I throw that into a prayer to the Lord and give it to Him. I cannot control my husband's mind. I can't even know what's going on in the deep places of his mind. I cannot know if we'll be together for 50+ years. What I can know is that , at this moment in time, we are in love. At this moment in time we are committed to 50+ years. The one thing that won't ever change is God and I know that no matter what happens, He will be there.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The One With a Sermon, Shopping & an "At Home" Date.
Pastor Roland had a really good sermon on Sunday. He preached about doors... yep. Doors. He started w/ explaining the difference between your front door and your kitchen door. The front door is for salesmen, strangers or acquaintances that aren't real familiar with your home & your family. They knock, you stand in the doorway and talk and then they go and you go on with your life. Then there's the kitchen door... the people who come to the kitchen door are your friends and family. The people you say "Come in! Let's sit down, have a cup of coffee/tea and chat." The people you gladly give up part of your life to spend with them. His point was... what is Jesus to you? A front door kind of guy or a kitchen door kind of guy?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My husband took the WHOLE weekend off this past weekend!! It was WONDERFUL! Saturday we shopped @ Moms store. Between Fri night w/ Rachael & Saturday w/ Matt we are 95% done Christmas shopping!! WOOHOO!! After shopping we came home and decorated the house. Everything except for the tree is done. Matt is never home for that part of Christmas decorating so it was a lot of fun to have him here this year. He was very helpful for getting things up high and coming up w/ ways to make things stay in place a bit better.
Saturday evening we put the kids to bed around 8 and then made cookie monsters. Warm homemade chocolate chip cookies (which Matt made) with ice cream & toppings on top. Yumm... and soooo bad for you! We watched Fireproof together. We had been putting it off expecting it to be hokey... but it wasn't. It was pretty good. It was encouraging to us both. While we don't have the problems the couple in the movie had, we do tend to take each other for granted or forget to put the romance in our marriage. There were some really good points in the movie like "fireproof doesn't meant you won't have fires... it means you can withstand them." It was nice to have that time to spend together. He's been working so much that I've forgotten what it's like to have him home in the evenings... it was nice. :)
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