The One About Negativity Eating Away My Thoughts

Negativity. I've noticed lately that when I'm around a lot of negativity, it seems to strongly affect me. I'm a strong believer in not allowing other people to affect your moods. I teach this to my kids from when they are a young age. I tell them that just because 'x' is acting that way, doesn't mean you can. I encourage them not to let other people's moods affect their own moods. When I take a deep looking at myself, I see that I do the same exact thing that my children do. I allow the negativity in & start to think poorly about myself or others around me.

I've been a part of a message board for about 7 years & over those years there has been a lot of negativity towards husbands. It disappoints me to read about Christian women who are so negative and lacking in grace towards their husbands. It got me to thinking today. "My husband never does laundry. My husband rarely does dishes and picks up after himself." Instead of focusing on the positives (He works really hard to provide for our family, he makes himself lunches most mornings & will help w/ things if he is home & I ask. He's a great day, attentive spouse & obviously cares a lot for me & for the children.) But instead of focusing on those things, I started nit picking the negatives. Thankfully, the Lord tugged my heart and pointed out that I was allowing what I was reading to affect how I felt. I don't truly feel as tho he doesn't do anything around here. Sure, sometimes I get overwhelmed and do feel that way, but for the most part I don't. I don't truly feel as tho I'm always picking up after him or cleaning up messes he makes.

It goes along with what Matt & I have been reading in Love & War. One of the things that the authors talked about in the chapter we're reading now, is to not let negativity creep in and destroy your marriage. It's easy to let outside influences in & to start thinking bad thoughts when that's all you hear or read all the time.

So... here's to trying to keep the positive the forerunner in my thoughts & heart.

The One Where I Break Down My School Day

I've been feeling guilty over the fact that we complete our school day in about 3-4 hrs each day. We begin by 8 each morning and are done by noon each day. Rarely have we gone past noon & most day we're done quite a bit before noon. I was trying to figure out if we're skipping something important & I realized we are skipping some things. We don't do breaks or lunches. We work straight through, taking a 5 min break to grab a snack around 10. We don't have to get from one room to another. I don't count P.E. into our school day nor do I count music. We don't do home room or assemblies. So I guess, we probably spend about the same time as the public school does on academics.

The Deep One About Agreements

How many agreements with Satan do you have? I've been mulling this over for a few days. Matt & I are reading a book by the Eldreges. In this book they were talking about agreements we have made w/ Satan.

God created us perfect... in His image. Our bodies, our souls, our minds, our hearts are His when we give our lives to Him. We are His children & loved deeply by Him. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world and have been wounded deeply numerous times. Through our pain and our wounds, we put up walls to protect ourselves. We say we're not good enough, we're not pretty enough, we aren't smart enough. We're not good parents. Our lives are horrible. We're undesirable and unlovable. No one could possibly want us fully in our brokenness.

Guess where those lies come from? Yep... Satan. And if we allow ourselves to be enveloped by these lies, if we continue to live in these lies, we're agreeing with Satan. Yes, I'm undesirable, so I'm going to put up this wall of defense and not let anyone prove that to me again. Yes, I'm unlovable, so I'll just admit it and live with that. Yes, I'm not good enough, but it's all I've got, so I'm stuck w/ who I am. These are all agreements...

I, personally, have so many agreements with Satan right now. They all stem from past experiences in my life. They seem like legitimate things... I could tell you the negative things I feel about myself and then give you a reason to back up why I feel that way. I'm the queen of building up walls to protect myself. Unfortunately, it means I miss opportunities to have deeper friendships, deeper relationships w/ those I love. It means I miss opportunities in life because I think "Oh, I'm not smart enough to do that" and don't go after it.

The Lord didn't create me to be this way... He wants me to break the agreements I have w/ Satan and move forward in my life, friendships & relationships. He wants me to blossom into the person He created me to be. It's so hard to step outside of the things I'm familiar with because they are comfortable, even if they hurt.

The One About Grace

This summer I was hurt deeply by someone who I care deeply for and who cares for me. It cut me to the core & I've been struggling with relationships ever since. It has made me question the believability of people & realize even more deeply the humanity of those I love & surround myself with. I realized that there is no one who is 100% reliable. We are all human and unless we choose to share our deepest thoughts and feelings w/ another person, they don't know our every thought and action. We all have secrets. Things we hide from each other. Things we'd be mortified to have come to the surface.

My human side builds up walls to protect myself. I'm not sure when this started for me... but I've done that as long as I can remember. I pull back, sharing less & less of myself w/ people I don't feel 'safe' with. (And believe me, there are few people I feel fully safe with.. few that I feel have my back no matter what I share with them. Who love me the same no matter what. Who will keep my secrets, pray for me & help me in times of need. That is a 'safe' person for me.) I put up walls between myself & the Lord as well. I guess in some ways I put Him on the same level as the rest of us. I know, intellectually, this isn't right, but it's hard to throw myself into a relationship with someone who isn't tangible when those who are tangible are unreliable. I find that it's hard to reach out to Him & let myself be loved by Him. In a lot of ways, I think I 'punish' myself, feeling I'm not worthy of the love He is so graciously giving to me. And I'm not. That's the beauty of grace, after all. Not being worthy of His love, but being given it freely anyway.

And so I struggle... As a Christian, I am to extend the same grace to those around me. Building up walls of separation is the opposite of extending grace. It may make me feel protected, but I'll never know where the Lord can take a friendship if I don't allow myself to be vulnerable now & then.

As Thanksgiving season approaches & the Advent season comes right afterwards, I'm thinking a lot about what I have to be thankful for. There is so much... but for today I'm thankful for Grace. The grace the Lord gives to us. The grace friends & family have given to me. The grace I'm learning to give to my children, my family, & my friends. Grace...

The One With Homeschool Confessions

I haven't blogged in ages. I don't feel like there is much to yap about these days. My days in and out are the same mundane thing. Schooling, after school chores or programs, Friday School, church, church activities and so on. Not a whole lot changes from week to week.

But I came here today to talk about homeschooling. I am not enjoying it these days. If I had to be completely honest with myself I don't think I've ever fully enjoyed it, as a teacher. I do it because I feel I should. I feel it's the best thing for our family. I don't enjoy it tho. I get kind of jealous when I hear other homeschool moms talking about it like it's fun and full of great adventures. Frankly, I haven't found that yet.

I don't enjoy teaching them how to read. It's frustrating to me when we've gone over the same thing 50,000 times and they *still* don't get it. I hate giving tests... one child rebels at the mere mention of the word 'test'. He forgets everything we learned that week and does it however he thinks is right. One child is distracted by anything and everything & I'm constantly have to get on her to PAY ATTENTION!!! Another child does the minimal work he can squeak by with. He could do more, he could do better, but frankly, after dealing w/ the arguments from one child and the PAY ATTENTION with another plus trying to teach another to read, write and learn 'rithmetic, I don't have the energy or desire to push him as much as he should be pushed.

And then on top of that, I have a preschooler who gets into EVERYTHING... or distracts us. Which is it? Let her color on walls or have to raise my voice to be heard over her?

Not every day is like this.... but there are more negative days than positive days to homeschooling these days. When am I going to start enjoying it? :/

The One Where I Question My Calling

I've been feeling lost in my "career" lately. On one hand I enjoy being home with my children: caring for them & taking care of our family home. One the other hand I feel as tho I am nothing: a nobody in this world. I feel like I want a career, a purpose, a way to get out there beyond my home & my children and DO something with my life.

But I'm trapped because I feel I need to stay home and care for my children. It's my 'calling' and my purpose at this time in my life. I have friends who have accomplished a lot in life & they are my age. I have a friend who was in the military... an officer & did amazing, life-changing things w/ her life & she's my age. I have friends who chose to do careers over starting a family right away & they have done a lot w/ their lives and I'm amazed by them. There's a twinge of regret about starting my family when I did... and then guilt for feeling regret because my children are all a blessing & I cannot imagine life w/out any one of them.

I guess I kind of wish I was more than "just" a Mom. I am not currently feeling that it is a "higher calling". I am not currently feeling that this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I'm feeling a bit directionless & like I need to do something more. I'm just not sure what. I'm a doula, but can't start my business due to the fact that babies come whenever they want and I can't guarantee that I'll have a sitter for my children when someone is going to have a baby. I was a midwifery student, but couldn't find a preceptor to work under. I am registered to start school in the fall to finish my teaching degree, but the loands are a bit daunting & I'm not sure I want to go into debt over this when I don't REALLY want to teach in the school systems.

This is turning more into a processing post than anything. I want to feel as tho my "job" as SAHM & Housewife is my higher calling, but I don't. I hate feeling directionless and lost. And I wonder... what is my higher calling? What is my purpose here? Why did God choose to put me on this planet? It seems like it must be for more than what I'm doing....

The One Where We Begin To Get Organized

It's been a little over a week since I posted about needing organization. I have since received both Managers of Their Homes and Managers of Their Chores. Being the good Mom that I am, I had to read the chores one first and put it into action. I've been pleasantly surprised that they children seem to like it. It helps them to get everything they need to get done & reminds them of what needs to be done. Of course I still have to say "Check your chore pack" and such, but for the most part it's given me less frustration and put the chores into their hands more. I like that A LOT.

I've begun reading Managers of Their Homes. I like it as well and it's giving me some good ideas. Being summer, I'm not sure how much we'll stick tightly to a schedule, but I can see it helping a lot during the school year.

I've been trying to start my days earlier. It seems to help my spirits a bit to get up earlier in the day, go for a walk & do my daily devotions prior to the children waking up.

So organization is starting to happen.... just slowly. I still need to think up an IF/Then chart. It's not quite as easy as I thought it would be tho...