Monday, June 20, 2011

The One Where I Question My Calling

I've been feeling lost in my "career" lately. On one hand I enjoy being home with my children: caring for them & taking care of our family home. One the other hand I feel as tho I am nothing: a nobody in this world. I feel like I want a career, a purpose, a way to get out there beyond my home & my children and DO something with my life.

But I'm trapped because I feel I need to stay home and care for my children. It's my 'calling' and my purpose at this time in my life. I have friends who have accomplished a lot in life & they are my age. I have a friend who was in the military... an officer & did amazing, life-changing things w/ her life & she's my age. I have friends who chose to do careers over starting a family right away & they have done a lot w/ their lives and I'm amazed by them. There's a twinge of regret about starting my family when I did... and then guilt for feeling regret because my children are all a blessing & I cannot imagine life w/out any one of them.

I guess I kind of wish I was more than "just" a Mom. I am not currently feeling that it is a "higher calling". I am not currently feeling that this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I'm feeling a bit directionless & like I need to do something more. I'm just not sure what. I'm a doula, but can't start my business due to the fact that babies come whenever they want and I can't guarantee that I'll have a sitter for my children when someone is going to have a baby. I was a midwifery student, but couldn't find a preceptor to work under. I am registered to start school in the fall to finish my teaching degree, but the loands are a bit daunting & I'm not sure I want to go into debt over this when I don't REALLY want to teach in the school systems.

This is turning more into a processing post than anything. I want to feel as tho my "job" as SAHM & Housewife is my higher calling, but I don't. I hate feeling directionless and lost. And I wonder... what is my higher calling? What is my purpose here? Why did God choose to put me on this planet? It seems like it must be for more than what I'm doing....

2 comments:

Heather T. said...

Becca, I know your feelings and even though I was bookkeeping at home for the majority of my early mothering years, I felt the same at times.

I think that no matter what we do, we will always get to a point and question ourselves, question God, about it. Is this still working, Lord? Is it right for me, for You?

You and I are very similar in the making, I think - 'thinkers'.

Keep handing over your thoughts, digging deep and allowing yourself to be free from all of the questions - He'll take them and may He cover you with His peace in the waiting.

There is more for you, and it might just be something you'd NEVER have considered. He works like that ;)

Praying that He'll comfort you with just what you need to know in order to feel 'right' where you are, now, and 'hopeful' for what you'll become.

Love to you.

JayLeigh said...

(((hugs)))

I think what Heather shared holds much wisdom. And her prayer is beautiful... I will pray this for you as well. ♥

"Praying that He'll comfort you with just what you need to know in order to feel 'right' where you are, now, and 'hopeful' for what you'll become."

What you are doing now truly is so very important. Praying you find peace. ♥ (((hugs)))