The One About Marriage

"Marrwage... marrwage is what bwings us togetha todaayyy.. Marrwage... that bwessed union. "

Ok, so anyone who has not see "Princess Bride" doesn't get that at all, but the rest of us are conjuring up images of a medieval wedding in which the bride is being forced to marry someone she doesn't love and the priest is a goofball...

But in all seriousness, marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. One one side I know someone who is in love for the first time. You remember that fun, giddy, exciting love? And on the other side I know a couple of people going through divorces and separations and that is heart wrenching and sad.

So I've had marriage on my mind A LOT lately. I've chatted with Matt a lot about it, wondering what makes some marriages work and others not. My first notion, as a Christian, was to think Christ was what made a marriage work. But then I look around and see the divorce rate for Christians to be as high as the divorce rate for non-Christians.

I think the scary thing about marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is that you cannot know what the other person is thinking. You cannot get in their minds and know for sure that they will be 100% committed to you forever. In fact, they may not even know it themselves. They may feel that they are, but life happens. Things change, feelings change, people change... and in those changes minds change and people grow apart.

I'm not writing any of this because Matt & I are going through a rough patch. Just the opposite, to be honest. We are crazy in love still, but I'm trying to figure out what makes us work? Why are we crazy in love after 11 years of marriage when so many marriages barely make it to the 7 year mark? The only things I can think of are:

1. Mutual Respect
2. Commitment to this marriage
3. A desire to grow and nurture our marriage
4. Communication
5. Love

#1 and #3 are two I want to chat about a bit.
Mutual respect... I'm part of an online board that is very adamant against Women Only Submission in marriage. I get that... and I agree to a certain extent. I agree that there needs to be mutual submission, but I have a twist on that. Mutual submission is good... and Biblically mandated (and I can show you verses to prove it if you ask), but I believe that in the end the husband is the head. Over the years there have been a few times where Matt & I couldn't make a huge decision by meeting in the middle. In those times I've agreed to trust him in his decision and honestly, it has always worked out for the best. But he never makes a big decision w/out consulting me and taking my opinion into account and typically we come to a conclusion together... thus mutual respect/submission to each other.

#3 ... You don't plant a seed and hope it grows & survives w/out nurturing it. You don't have a baby and hope it grows & survives w/out nurturing it... so how would you expect a marriage to grow and survive w/out nurturing it? Matt & I have set aside one day/month where we have a 'date night' at home. This entails putting the kids to bed early, cooking a meal together & playing games or watching a fun movie. We actually try to do this more than once/ month but we have one specific day set aside so we know we'll definitely do it at least once. We also try to get away alone for a weekend once/year. That's not always easy w/ little ones, but it usually happens. I'd love to see us have a real date once/month too, but haven't been able to make that work yet. It's good to continue to see yourselves as a couple and not just "mom & dad" or lost in your jobs.

Actually ~ I want to address communication too. I think this is the absolute key. I think it makes or breaks any relationship/marriage/friendship. For us this means discussing everything that needs to be put out there before it becomes a big issue. Rather than letting this fester and build up inside, it's best to get it out before it's too late. But, on the flip side, there is a time to hold back as well. I often think about a problem for a day. I decide if it's worth rocking the boat about or is it better to change my attitude about it and move on w/out making it an issue. I've done both... at times I feel it's a big enough issue that we need to talk it out and work on it. Other times I feel I can just 'get over it' and move on. If it comes up again, I reevaluate and decide all over again. And that works for us.

All in all ~ it really takes two. He has to be as open and honest in the relationship and you are and you can't guarantee that. This fact was reallllly eating away at me recently. I went to a women's retreat at my church. It was just a day retreat, but it was good. In a quiet moment of prayer I asked God to help me trust my husband. And I heard God say "You don't have to trust Him, just trust Me." Hmm... I found it comforting and so whenever I start to worry about whether my husband will change his mind about us one day I throw that into a prayer to the Lord and give it to Him. I cannot control my husband's mind. I can't even know what's going on in the deep places of his mind. I cannot know if we'll be together for 50+ years. What I can know is that , at this moment in time, we are in love. At this moment in time we are committed to 50+ years. The one thing that won't ever change is God and I know that no matter what happens, He will be there.

The One About Being Present

Lately I've been feeling a huge pull to draw closer to the Lord. The idea of being 'in the moment' and to meditate has been popping up all over the place. It started with the neonatal resuscitation class I went to. The teacher taught us to be present because when needing to resusciate a newborn you absolutely must be present and not flipping out in your mind. I realized that this could be used in all aspects of life. Be Present.

So I wrote a note to msyelf... Be Present. Everytime I see it I'm reminded to take a deep breath, think of where I'm standing/sitting and focus on that for just a moment and it brings me to the present, not allowing my mind to be racing all over the place.

Then I picked up the controversial book, Eat Pray & Love. I realize that this isn't a Christian book at all and I realize that a lot of Christians have negative comments/thoughts about this book. I agree that there are points in this book that I cringe and feel sad that she is completely missing the point. HOWEVER, the book has taught me, once again, how important it is to be present. To still my mind and meditate on the Lord. This is SO very difficult for me... my mind is usually in about 1, 542 places at once. (Ok, maybe an exaggeration, but definitely a lot of places at once) and I have a hard time figuring out how to still my mind and meditate only on the Lord. I've found that saying a Bible verse over and over and only focusing on that has been very helpful. It stills my mind and makes me focus only on the Lord.

Then I went to church on Sunday. Pastor Roland preached about the storm on the boat. The disciples were freaking out and Jesus was asleep on a pillow. (Not literal pillow, but like a pillow) Pastor Roland pointed out that we have 2 choices when we're in a storm. Logically it makes sense to freak out and try frantically to bail yourself out of the storm. Spiritually it makes sense to go lay down on your pillow and rest knowing that it will all be ok.

Do you see where I'm going with this? All of this is weighing heavily on my mind and then all of a sudden the glitch happened w/ the house. And for some reason I find myself at peace. I find myself focusing on the present, not allowing my mind to suffocate me with fear and I find myself resting on my pillow... trusting God will see it through.

It's interesting and such a weird place for me to be in. I'm usually a "GOT TO FIX IT NOW!" person and I'm not feeling that way. I'm feeling at peace... doing what I need to do and just sitting back to see what happens.

The One With The Glitch

So a glitch has come up. I may be naive, but I have an underlying feeling that it will all work out. In the meantime this is what is going on.

Recap: We are buying the house from Fannie Mae through an auction company. We were the highest bidder in the auction & have to close by July 14th or we risk loosing our 5% that we put down. This is "earnest" money, but it's also non-refundable if we don't close by the 14th. We can ask for an extension. We did that once & it was rejected. We will need to do it again and hope that it is accepted this time.

So today the underwriters called our loan officer and said that Fannie Mae does not own the house we are buying. This makes our contract with Fannie Mae null & void as far as our financial dept can tell. Which, if that's true, we shouldn't loose our $, but it's Fannie Mae we're talking nabout. They aren't exactly notorious for being very helpful.

So our loan officer called Fannie Mae's lawyer & asked if they were aware of this. They said yes and that they had sent in a request for a "quick deed transfer". They said we should see it in 1-7 business days. Umm... excuse me? We're supposed to close in 2 days. *sigh*

SO... it looks like we will have to sign a new contract once they get the quick deed transfer. It's all so confusing & I don't even know if I understand it all. Our loan officer didn't even understand it all. She said in all the years she's been doing this (30+) that she has never ever seen a house sold by someone who didn't actually own it. GAH!

It's all just making my head spin.

But... I'm trusting that God wants us in this place adn will take care of it. Pastor's sermon yesterday was in perfect timing for this and if I had time I'd write more about it... but I need to get dinner started. :)

Another One About Trust

Being the Mom God wants me to be. This has been on my mind a lot lately. Two times in my recent reading I came across the idea that if what I am doing is taking away from my family's needs then perhaps I shouldn't be doing it. This was interesting to me as so much of what I do at the moment is focused on the house selling, house buying, my schooling, and friends. So much of what I do is focused away from the children and I would say it's taking away from my family's needs. Part of me sees that there needs to be a change in the focus... a shift in my paradigm. The other part of me is saying "How?" or "Where?" or "What gives?" My priorities are always to my husband, my children and my home. Not in that order lately... but I think bigger than that my priority needs to be the Lord and the rest will fall into place. I think I'm a bit of a control freak, tho I have never labeled myself as that before. The reason I say that is because it is hard for me to just let go of those things that I feel I need to hold on to and control. Even placing them into capable hands I still give instructions. "Lord, I place this whole house thing into your hands. I'm trusting you to provide as we need." in one breath and "Let it happen SOON, PLEASE" literally in the next breath. That's not really trusting... that's putting stipulations on the 'trust' that I pretend is there.

The One Where God Speaks

Matt & I were given an offer on our house this week and were advised by our realtor not to take it or even counter offer as the type of loan they were trying to get is close to impossible in this state. We took her advice... the offer was ridiculous anyway.

5 days later we found the house we want to buy. It's literally 2 miles from my parents house. It has a loft, 3 bedrooms 1.75 baths, 1.21 acres, a pool, a deck, a woodburning fireplace and is solid. The only work it needs is flooring (which we have covered thanks to Lee!!) and new countertops (unless we love the 80's orange color on them! lol!!) The house has HUGE windows facing south so you get all the southern exposure of the sun. Wonderful in the winter and even in the summer because, as people who know me well know, I LOVE SUN and LIGHT and BRIGHTNESS! Best of all?? The house is in our price range. Oh man...

So needless to say, we both woke up this morning feeling super discouraged. We looked online and saw houses similar to ours going for higher than we're asking. We saw houses better than ours also going for less than we're asking. We're right in the middle and have no real bites. We both literally dragged our family to church this morning. We debated even going as we've been in VT 4 days out of the past 6 anyway and this would make it 5 out of 6. But we felt we should so we did.

We walked in a little late thanks to someone on a Sunday morning scenic drive who was in front of us w/ no passing areas. *sigh* We were discouraged and frustrated and honestly not in the best frame of mind to worship. Almost immediately after we walked in the music leader started talking about how he knows life can get discouraging, especially when we're waiting for something to happen. He said he knows that waiting for God's timing when we want something to happen now can be one of the most frustrating places to be in, but that we should trust that the Lord will make all things good in His timing.

I almost shrugged it off in a way. It could be a word from the Lord for anyone, yk? Plus KT was squirming around and Erich was climbing all over the pew, so I was distracted from really listening with my heart.

Towards the end of the service someone started to speak in tongues. That doesn't happen often, even in our Assemblies of God church. So I bowed my head and prayed quietly that the Lord would make it clear... and then someone else spoke a word. Again "Do not be dismayed." was the topic.

Ok, Lord... I get the point! I am going to try my best to focus on You and Your timing in all of this. I will wait and be patient. I will trust Your timing... even when I want this over NOW. I will wait... I will try not to let the discouragment stay. I will trust.