The One About Marriage

"Marrwage... marrwage is what bwings us togetha todaayyy.. Marrwage... that bwessed union. "

Ok, so anyone who has not see "Princess Bride" doesn't get that at all, but the rest of us are conjuring up images of a medieval wedding in which the bride is being forced to marry someone she doesn't love and the priest is a goofball...

But in all seriousness, marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. One one side I know someone who is in love for the first time. You remember that fun, giddy, exciting love? And on the other side I know a couple of people going through divorces and separations and that is heart wrenching and sad.

So I've had marriage on my mind A LOT lately. I've chatted with Matt a lot about it, wondering what makes some marriages work and others not. My first notion, as a Christian, was to think Christ was what made a marriage work. But then I look around and see the divorce rate for Christians to be as high as the divorce rate for non-Christians.

I think the scary thing about marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is that you cannot know what the other person is thinking. You cannot get in their minds and know for sure that they will be 100% committed to you forever. In fact, they may not even know it themselves. They may feel that they are, but life happens. Things change, feelings change, people change... and in those changes minds change and people grow apart.

I'm not writing any of this because Matt & I are going through a rough patch. Just the opposite, to be honest. We are crazy in love still, but I'm trying to figure out what makes us work? Why are we crazy in love after 11 years of marriage when so many marriages barely make it to the 7 year mark? The only things I can think of are:

1. Mutual Respect
2. Commitment to this marriage
3. A desire to grow and nurture our marriage
4. Communication
5. Love

#1 and #3 are two I want to chat about a bit.
Mutual respect... I'm part of an online board that is very adamant against Women Only Submission in marriage. I get that... and I agree to a certain extent. I agree that there needs to be mutual submission, but I have a twist on that. Mutual submission is good... and Biblically mandated (and I can show you verses to prove it if you ask), but I believe that in the end the husband is the head. Over the years there have been a few times where Matt & I couldn't make a huge decision by meeting in the middle. In those times I've agreed to trust him in his decision and honestly, it has always worked out for the best. But he never makes a big decision w/out consulting me and taking my opinion into account and typically we come to a conclusion together... thus mutual respect/submission to each other.

#3 ... You don't plant a seed and hope it grows & survives w/out nurturing it. You don't have a baby and hope it grows & survives w/out nurturing it... so how would you expect a marriage to grow and survive w/out nurturing it? Matt & I have set aside one day/month where we have a 'date night' at home. This entails putting the kids to bed early, cooking a meal together & playing games or watching a fun movie. We actually try to do this more than once/ month but we have one specific day set aside so we know we'll definitely do it at least once. We also try to get away alone for a weekend once/year. That's not always easy w/ little ones, but it usually happens. I'd love to see us have a real date once/month too, but haven't been able to make that work yet. It's good to continue to see yourselves as a couple and not just "mom & dad" or lost in your jobs.

Actually ~ I want to address communication too. I think this is the absolute key. I think it makes or breaks any relationship/marriage/friendship. For us this means discussing everything that needs to be put out there before it becomes a big issue. Rather than letting this fester and build up inside, it's best to get it out before it's too late. But, on the flip side, there is a time to hold back as well. I often think about a problem for a day. I decide if it's worth rocking the boat about or is it better to change my attitude about it and move on w/out making it an issue. I've done both... at times I feel it's a big enough issue that we need to talk it out and work on it. Other times I feel I can just 'get over it' and move on. If it comes up again, I reevaluate and decide all over again. And that works for us.

All in all ~ it really takes two. He has to be as open and honest in the relationship and you are and you can't guarantee that. This fact was reallllly eating away at me recently. I went to a women's retreat at my church. It was just a day retreat, but it was good. In a quiet moment of prayer I asked God to help me trust my husband. And I heard God say "You don't have to trust Him, just trust Me." Hmm... I found it comforting and so whenever I start to worry about whether my husband will change his mind about us one day I throw that into a prayer to the Lord and give it to Him. I cannot control my husband's mind. I can't even know what's going on in the deep places of his mind. I cannot know if we'll be together for 50+ years. What I can know is that , at this moment in time, we are in love. At this moment in time we are committed to 50+ years. The one thing that won't ever change is God and I know that no matter what happens, He will be there.

The One About... SOCIALIZATION!

This subject causes homeschooling families to roll their eyes. How many times have you heard, as a homeschooler, "What about socialization?" It seems to be a legitimate concern of public schoolers and pediatricians.

I wonder how much socialization happens in the public school anyway? Some, of course, but it's all based around classes and break times. If you truly want to get to know someone or 'socialize' with them you still need to set up play dates or sleepovers or get togethers even if they are "socializing" all day at school.

I attend a monthly "Tumble Time" with my youngest 3. It's for children ages birth to 6 years and older siblings can come as well if they want to. I was sitting there watching the children at Tumble Time the other day and I noticed that all of the kids gravitated towards their own siblings. Even children who had friends at the playgroup would chat w/ their friends for a moment, but really played with their own siblings the most. I realized that as far as socialization goes, it seems that you get a lot of it in your own home if you have more than 1 child. My kids are each other's best friends and worst enemies depending on the day. They learn to play together and the proper way to behave with someone else with each other. They learn the proper way to have a disagreement with each other. Of course it's good to have them learn to be comfortable with people not in the family & it's easy to do that if you search out opportunities with homeschool coops and church or scouts or sports... the list could go on. But, essentially, their most important socialization happens within their own home. They learn how to chat w/ adults and relate to people with different thoughts and ideas in the safe setting of their own home. It think it's awesome!! And, to be honest, the homeschooled teens I know tend to be much more comfortable talking with adults than public schooled teens I know. They also tend to not have as much of a negative attitude towards younger children. In our homeschool group the older teens/kids help out the younger children a lot. It's nice to see.

The One About the "Me, Me, Me Syndome"

Everywhere you turn these days there is someone telling you to think about yourself. From loosing weight to adventure trips some advertisement will say "Do this for YOU" or tell you to "stop thinking about other people and do 'x' for yourself."

Don't get me, wrong... I think it's essential to take time for yourself. I think it's essential to want to loose weight or learn or new hobby or branch out into a new adventure for yourself. But I think there's so much emphasis on doing what YOU want to do that we begin to focus internally a bit too much.

My issue with this is that you will find no where in the Bible where God says 'look at yourself first.' He always focuses on "Love God. Love Others. and THEN... Love yourself." Not love yourself first. So on my drive home from visiting a friend this evening I really got to thinking about this subject. I realized that the times in my life where I've first focused on God and secondly on others, *I* began to feel more fulfilled without even having to focus on myself.

I correct myself.. there is one instance where God does tell us to focus on ourselves... He tells us not to point out the sins of others until we are sinless. ;)

The One Where I Try My New Lap Top

I find it interesting that my last post here was about setting priorities.  It’s definitely something I’ve been working on.  today, however, I’m lazy. I’m doing the post-Christmas cleaning & organizing, but I’m definitely more lazy than I have been.  I think you need a lazy day now & then.

I’m really only typing on here right now to try out my new lap top.  It has a feature where I can use Windows Live Writer to type in my blog & so I thought I’d try it out… Nothing fun & exciting…

The One With Priorities

I haven't had much to say recently. My life has been incredibly busy between homeschooling, soccer, music lessons, job training & well... life with 5 kids.

My priorities are askew lately and I've found myself tuning the children out because of the stresses in my life. The few moments I have at home I've not wanted to deal with giving them the attention they need, rather turning to my computer or TV to 'veg out and destress'. Not surprisingly this has caused MORE stress because the children always act out more when they aren't getting the positive attention they need & deserve. I didn't even realize what I was doing until recently. It actually took the death of an old family friend to make me realize that my priorities were way off base. It's sad that it sometimes takes that to wake us up, isn't it?

So I need to re-prioritize my life and realize what is really important and what isn't worth even giving my time to.

1. God
2. Family
3. House
4. Non-family relationships
5. Job

Now... I need to stick w/ that list.

The Mixed Up One

I haven't really talked about the moving in process. It went well... we had lots of help, which we were thankful for! I'm so glad to be moved in and I love my house. I especially love the way it feels when it's clean and not cluttered w/ kids toys, couch pillows on the floor and piano books strewn all over the piano & piano bench. :) I love the way it feels in the evenings w/ the warm glow of the lamp in the living room. I look forward to winter evenings curled up w/ a good book in that living room.

Upstairs needs some work.... Still lots of unpacking/sorting/cleaning/curtain making/organizing to do up there. But I'm getting the downstairs into shape nicely and loving it.

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Parenting.... *sigh* It seems for the birds lately. I'm tired of making so many sacrifices for my children only to be walked on by them.

That's probably a little over dramatic. Its been a rough few days with a certain middle child whose name shall not be mentioned. Out of all my children this child can bring out the worst in me. I really don't recall my mother getting as angry as I get ever. And I only get so angry with this one child. I'm kind of feeling at a loss on how to deal with it. I think I've probably tried every parenting technique under the sun and every time I think I've found *the thing* that works, it stops working. Not fun.

Hopefully it'll all work out in the end... tho I have my doubts some days.

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TOO BUSY ~ This fall we've taken on a lot... more than we've ever taken on before.
Monday is cooking class w/ Trish (only every other Monday) and soccer.
Tuesday is band for Michael & possible Rangers for all, tho I think we'll skip that this year.
Wednesday is music class for Karah and soccer
Thursday is piano lessons for all (and sometimes soccer)
Friday is either Friday School or Field trip day... or I use it to catch up on housework.
Saturday is soccer.
Sunday is church/family day (tho this is often busy w/ parties and stuff)

Plus we have daily school, chores, etc. to do. Yes... we're TOO BUSY this year. I look forward to being able to sit down & breath for a few seconds someday.... ;)

The One WIth Thoughts on Our Culture

Our culture likes to think it's better than other cultures around the world, but I have been questioning it lately.

Yes, it's amazing to live in America where you have the potential to be anything you can. This post is really not about dissing America. I love my country, am proud of the men & women in my circle of family and friends who have fought for our freedoms and put their lives on the line for this country.

But I think our country is failing our families. Families are falling apart left and right. We all live in our own houses separate from family and friends w/ little accountability if we choose to have none. We get so busy that we forget to be a family until it's too late. Everyone is trying to be the best and acheive the "American Dream" forgetting that it takes hard work to acheive it and forgetting to teach their children that.

Other cultures seem to cherish family. Even when families don't get along, there is respect for parents and they still live together, play together and learn to work things out. Our culture seems to forget that family is the root of society. We let others raise our children while we work crazy hours just to be able to make ends meet. It doesn't seem right.

I don't feel like I'm articulating my thoughts very well, tho...